I had lots of plans for 2011 but fate wanted it otherwise, in short 2011 started with complete meltdown in my life.
In January my Mother was diagnosed with brain tumor and over 3 months i saw how the tumor ate my mothers sanity away day by day. She died on March 25, 2011 and i have a very hard time coping with this. She was the most decent person i've ever known. Imagine a person who cant lie, never do anything selfish, always willing to give a helping hand, live a life without any debt, never loose selfcontrol, always caring, well it may sound crazy to have all these virtues but my Mother was such a person. Her only concern was for our little family and whats left of it.
I am soooo pi.... that she didnt get to live the life as older people usually do, something came along and snuffed away her retirement with equals. That woman raised me and my sister single handed, worked very hard and never left us kids with a feeling of something was missing. Of all people she didnt deserve this. I will never forgive whom ever is in charge of it all, never!
Shortly before she went sick other disasters decided to knock on my door, my DAW (Digital Audio Workstation) caved in and could not be fixed without loss of all data. Yes, i DO have backups but putting together a DAW over 3 years accumulate something like 300+ plugins and 100+ audio apps which need to be re-installed, this WILL take some time, usually it takes me around 6 months to get around to all plugins. In January i thought i might aswell take the leap and go for Win 7 64bit on a new DAW since i have to start from scratch again. Its April and that friggin new DAW still wont work, it has all kinds of errors popping up all the time, so now i've given up and returned to the old DAW which is empty and trying to figure out what the hell i'm supposed to do.
I'll resurface at some point but right now its pretty hopeless and i feel like smashing things.
So, plans for 2011 are to survive and keep breathing.
/Michael
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10 comments:
Take heart.
The Show must go on...
Greetings.
V-sad news Michael. My thoughts are with you. Take all the time you need but know that you have a lot of huge fans like myself who are always look forward to all that you do.
I just came across this today - you have had an awful time - I'm sorry to hear that. I like the stuff you do, the Pro-53 bank is great and I like your tracks a lot - there is usually so much rubbish out there - it's really great there is a few that can do things properly.
Sorry to hear about your Mother. I am in the midst of the aftermath of a tradgedy as well. A few months ago 11 days after my son was born, his Mother died of complications from the pregnancy. She was a beautiful woman. I feel your pain and understand your anger. But I know that our love and consciousness survives death. I believe life is bigger than we can see. And our loved ones would want us to honour them by living full wonderful lives.
Kikala
I know what you mean. I am so sorry, Michael. I have lost my mother to the cancer as well. And she was like a mirror image of your Mom. Why is this happening? Who knows. It's hard for everyone to go through this drama. Life goes in cycles, and tomorrow might get better. Show your Mom's love through your music. She will definitely smile hearing it....
Best,
Paul Bajon
Hi Michael,
sorry to hear about all terrible stress you had been going through. I hope things have changed a bit actually. I discovered this blog when searching if you have twitter account.Will try to follwow you on twitter right now.Hearing your music is always a pleasure and a thing i can learn alot. Best regards. R 1772 (soundset customer too:-))
It's amazing how life works, I'm looking for a refill to kickstart my creativity which was at the point of no return in 2011, out of 100's of refills I had in my banks I found your xsynth vol.1 refill... BAM! Creativity flowed like never in years, all patches I say, each and everyone of them are just sooooooo musical and playable, it's crazy! The best compositions came out of this refill today and I am back on track, thanks so much to your talent in sound design! You have an awesome gift!
Now, I was so grateful, I had to come to your website and write something to you, and then found your blog and read your post, my heart was troubled with your pain. It hit a sensitive spot in me because just prior to coming on your website, I was pondering about what I was going to write, a thought of my mom came to mind, she died of generalized cancer in 2008 and I felt bad because -though she was as good a mother as you portray yours, I feel I wasn't grateful as a child for all the goodness she brought in our lives. I was probably the most selfish child a mom could have and I admit I must have been a nightmare at some time. Thought I have grown up to be a better man, I still feel my behavior didn't help.
This leads me to an experience I had this last year where I had several vivid dreams of my mom and she was very much alive in the dream. But though a 'dream' it wasn't a cloudy, or nebulous kind of dream, it was like all was real and very much physical just like in reality. She came to me and she looked happy, she shared some thoughts about my work and also she was accepting and loving just has she were when she was alive.
This said, I just wish to say that, whatever happened to your mother, it sure is not fair in our human perspective and it can be very hard to accept the higher will of this situation. Before departing, my mom believed it was the will of God that she had to go, but knowing that there is an afterlife. Sometimes good people go through the hardest times on hearth in order to reap the greatest reward in heaven. This is a difficult subject and unless you witness the afterlife firsthand it is hard to comprehend.
All the best to you,
and may God bless you and you mom in heaven, may she find a way to speak to your heart, saying everything is alright and that she is proud of you, that she loves you very much.
A believer.
I do appreciate you guys take the time to leave comments. When times are hard its good to know that what you have done so far in your life is not wasted. We all have a role to play and despite all the bad things that happens people still find it in their hearts to show compassion and thoughtfullness. Thanks to all for letting me know i do a difference out there :)
/Michael
Hi Michael,
You should not be angry with anyone/anything, who created this, nor be pissed about it.
The death is a gate, like a daily sleep is a gate. You just sleep longer, and you don't wake up in the same place.
I am now listening to your music, and this reminds me about you. You think about your mom, and let her go, wherever she wishes to go. That's a divine Love.
It is not our business to decide, where other people should be, or for how long they should be here for us and with us.
Think well, and keep yourself in a poise.
gMichael, We don't know each other but I have used your Zebra sounds in compositions. I came across your site when looking for some new sound inspiration. I am going through a similar situation only it involves my wife. I have 2 kids who are also grappling with their Mom's incurable cancer. After 2 1/2 years in there formative years and myself in late middle age it has been exhausting, revealing, enlightening and most of all painful beyond belief.
But take inspiration from the musical masters of the past who have lived on and on.Know that we all truly live on in the hearts and minds of others and maybe in even more ways than we understand. David Frank
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